🤰💪 10 Reasons Why Men Would Be Better at Carrying Children Than Women ...A completely logical, not-at-all-sarcastic argument from the mind of Johnny Tiger

Because let’s be honest—if men could get pregnant, we’d not only survive it, we’d dominate that shit. Y’all think labor is the final boss? We eat final bosses for breakfast and still show up to fight bare-chested in the rain.

Here are 10 totally rational reasons why men would be better at childbearing than women. Don’t fight me—fight the science. (Or the sarcasm.)

1. Men wouldn't be scared of the pain.

We’re not saying it won’t hurt—we’re saying we’ll never admit it.
You mock a guy for being scared of giving birth, and you know what he’ll do? He’ll schedule the damn birth in the middle of a UFC fight weekend just to prove you wrong.

"Johnny, why aren’t you having more kids? you scared of the pain?"
"Me? Scared of the pain? Please. I’ll do a C-section on myself with a butter knife and no freezing. Nine months from now, I challenge you to a birthing contest. The loser’s a pussy."

2. Men are totally okay with puking.

Puking? Shiiiiiit honey, that all?
We puke from drinking, and then go back and drink some more.
We puke from working out, from extreme sports, from eating too many nuggets at stupid chicken nugget eating contests…

“I’m not pregnant. I’m just living life like a legend.”
And you know what?
“Give me five more babies. On the rocks. make them doubles!”

3. Big bellies? We’ve been preparing our whole lives.

Seriously. Half of us already look nine months pregnant.
Still working, playing basketball, fixing the roof, seducing our partners, and grilling steaks with one hand.
Pregnancy belly? Just Tuesday.

4. We’d use it as the ultimate excuse to game.

You try telling a pregnant gamer-dad he can’t spend 12 hours on the couch yelling at 13-year-olds in Call of Duty.

“Leave me alone. I’m growing life. Now pass me the chips and plug in my controller, I think my mucus plug just dropped.”

5. We don't mind ruining our beautiful body shape.

Let’s be real: most of us ruined that shape years ago.
We’ve got dad bods without the dads. Pregnancy would just give us a reason to keep rocking the crop top.

6. We’d turn childbirth into a full-on sport.

We’d compete over contractions.

“Bro, how long was your labor?”
“Six hours.”
“Weak. Mine was 36 hours. No meds. I did it during a snowstorm. In a parking lot. While replacing a tire.”

And yes, there would be a fantasy birth league. We'd draft doulas like quarterbacks.

7. We'd make maternity fashion a revolution.

You know we’d rock those baby bump fits with tactical belts, dad sneakers, and sleeveless hoodies that say “Built Not Bought.”
Also: beer belly? Nah, baby belly. Same look. More glory.

Yeah, and guess what? We’d happily invite every woman passing by to feel our belly too...
"Oh yeah, baby, go lower—feel that little kick? That’s testosterone and future of our country brewing in there."

We'd make rubbing our belly a national pastime.

8. We’d weaponize sympathy.

“Hey honey, can you get me a beer?”
“You’re closer.”
“I’m carrying your brat. Bring the damn beer.”

We’d milk it like pros. Literally.
And when the hormones hit?

“What, me horny? Babe, it’s 'cause of my hormones! I’m pregnant—that’s why I’m horny all the time. Have a heart!”
“Do something about it! You put this baby in me after all!”

Suddenly, mood swings become foreplay, and cuddles turn into parental responsibility.

9. Mood swings? Depression? Holy f*cking yes.

Finally. We can scream, cry, and throw shit without being shamed for it.
Tears? Valid.
Rage? Expected.
Sudden craving for sweet and sour meatloaf and a hug? Absolutely part of the miracle of life.

You have no idea how many of us have been needing this our whole manly life.

Pregnancy wouldn’t break us—it’d just finally give us the socially acceptable breakdown we’ve been earning since age 12.

10. No breast milk? No problem.

Listen, if our man-nips don’t produce milk, that just means we raise our kids on ice cream, chocolate cake, Hot Pockets, and beer (non-alcoholic… until they’re old enough to shotgun it with us at family BBQs).
Bad for them? Maybe.
But they’d love us to death.

“My dad didn’t give me nutrients, but he gave me nachos and wisdom, and that’s all I needed.”

And when their pediatrician complains, we’ll just flex and say,

“This child was raised on gains and glory.”

💭 In Conclusion…

This post is obviously all in good fun—because real talk? Pregnancy is brutal, heroic, and damn near impossible. And the women who do it? Straight-up warriors. But hey, if men ever could carry children… you know we’d turn it into a competition, a beer ad, a meme, and a documentary within the first trimester.

Until then, keep training, keep laughing, and don’t challenge me to a birthing contest.
I will win.

—
Johnny (Tiger) Tai
Martial Arts Instructor | Blind Badass | Self-Defense Educator
🔗 www.johnnytiger.com
🔗 www.tigertactile.com

#PregnantMen #DadBodDeluxe #JohnnyTiger #MalePregnancyPower #MaternityMuscles #UltrasoundGains #BirthingContest #BuiltNotBought #CallOfDutyAndDelivery #FunnyBlogPost #MartialArtsHumor 

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